CANADIAN COMEBACKS!!!!!!!!!
1.. The light bulb was developed by Henry Woodword, a Canadian in 1874, then he sold the patent to Thomas Edison.
2.. If the American looks consipracy/militia minded (and most of them are), try this one: Canadians are the ones who led the way in
high-altitude, super sophisticated MACH2 interceptors, such as the AVRO ARROW which the USA wanted so badly that they did everything possible to stop us from producing them. They failed.
3.. Most modern navy in the world. I'm not kidding.
4.. You tried to invade us once. Once.
5.. CANADA won the War of 1812, not the USA. Why? I believe that if a country can get into a nation's capital by killing the country's army off and burn down the White House, then they have basically won the war.
6.. If I'm not mistaken, Canada has burnt down the White House . .. not once, but twice! Only country to do so.
7.. Nuclear meltdowns. We haven't had one. Yet we make plenty of CANDU reactors! ( The safest in the world !) Nuclear crisis? None of those either.
8.. You test your missiles on us, and we don't complain!
9.. Quick, name a country that has dropped atomic bombs on real, live people! (hint: it rhymes with Bunited Strates of Bamerica.
10.. We are the leaders in telephone technology.
11.. Canadian diplomats smuggled a bunch of American hostages out of the Middle East. I don't know why we bothered, but we did. Your welcome!
12.. Canadian spies have completed some astounding missions, from stealing Japanese codes from embassies during WWII, to the capture of a Nazi enigma machine.
13.. In the early 1900's, when alcohol was still illegal in the USA, Canadians risked their lives to smuggle beer and other alcoholic
substances down to America.
14.. "Eh" sounds a lot better than "huh", eh?
15.. We know how, and when to use the word, "eh".
16.. At least we have a legitimate claim to be interested in the Royal Family!
17.. Canadian flag? We don't have to change it every time we add a province.
18.. We have never flown another country's national flag upside down before. (1992 World Series ring a bell?)
19.. Our cities don't shut down because of a bit of wimpy frost.
20.. Canada has more clean water than any other nation.
21.. At least our inner cities are still habitable.
22.. We have the world's longest bridge.
23.. We have the world's longest street.
24.. We have the world's tallest totem pole.
25.. Canada is ranked the NUMBER ONE nation in the world by the UN eight years in a row.
26.. Superman, blindly stolen by the USA for their own propoganda purposes.
27.. No one here likes 90210. there will never be a show named M5W 1L6.
28.. Japanese tourists just love Anne of Green Gables.
29.. Much Music kicks MTV's ***.
30.. X-Files was filmed in Vancouver.
31.. Mike Myers is not only Austin Powers, but he is Dr. Evil and Fat Bastard as well.
32.. Celine Dion performed at the 1996 Atlanta Olympic opening ceremonies. Where was American, Gloria Estefan? Oh, right, I remember now. She was sitting in a corner, pouting because her country decided to pick a Canadian singer to sing in THEIR Olympic Games instead of her.
33.. We kicked your ass in the 100m and in the 150m. Ohh baby, it hurts to be this good, eh?
34.. When was the last time the USA won an international curling match?
35.. We've got better hockey players than you do.
36.. Two words for you: Wayne Gretzky.
37.. The 98-99 All-Star Game as well as the 99-00 North American team had an all-Canadian starting line-up, voted in by the fans, I might add. So, um, whatever happened to the so-called "American takeover" of Canada's game?
38.. We invented basketball.
39.. We invented hockey.
40.. We invented lacrosse.
41.. We invented 5-pin bowling.
42.. We were the first to play modern football.
43.. Socialized health care, so there!
44.. I've never had to go through a metal detector at school.
45.. Canada introduced peace-keeping to the world.
46.. We discovered the effects of insulin on diabetes.
47.. Let's put it this way: 3 Coors = 1 Canadian beer.
48.. We may have an accent, but at least I've never spelled "thru", "nite", "glo" or "EZ" quite like you do.
49.. Largest unguarded border in the world? Hey buddy, we're sharing it with you.
50.. The river in my city? I can swim in it.
51.. We invented the telephone - maybe you've heard of it.
52.. I'm not afraid to walk down the street at night.
Monday, October 28, 2002
Sunday, October 27, 2002
'Delay' condom proves popular
LONDON, England -- A condom that contains an anaesthetic to prolong lovemaking has smashed all sales records, its manufacturers say.
Durex has sold 18,000 Performa condoms via the Internet in the past three months -- outselling other types the company sells online by a margin of five to one.
Each condom contains a small amount of lubricant cream inside the tip, which disperses with body heat.
The cream contains Benzocaine, a mild anaesthetic that de-sensitises the tip of the penis, so sex can last longer.
The Perfoma is currently only sold on the Internet but the company is aiming to make it available in shops in the UK by Christmas.
Amanda Tucker, Durex UK marketing manager, said: "If interest through the Internet is any guide then this will change the way people think about condoms."
LONDON, England -- A condom that contains an anaesthetic to prolong lovemaking has smashed all sales records, its manufacturers say.
Durex has sold 18,000 Performa condoms via the Internet in the past three months -- outselling other types the company sells online by a margin of five to one.
Each condom contains a small amount of lubricant cream inside the tip, which disperses with body heat.
The cream contains Benzocaine, a mild anaesthetic that de-sensitises the tip of the penis, so sex can last longer.
The Perfoma is currently only sold on the Internet but the company is aiming to make it available in shops in the UK by Christmas.
Amanda Tucker, Durex UK marketing manager, said: "If interest through the Internet is any guide then this will change the way people think about condoms."
Sunday, October 20, 2002
Do you like brown or orange food?
Dispelling a great myth about the colour and flavour of beer.
Don Tse: "Do you prefer light or dark beer?" is the response I often receive when I ask for a list of available beers at a restaurant or pub. A combination of politeness and impatience prevents me from beginning a diatribe as to why this is a meaningless question, and instead I ask for the complete list.
Asking whether a person prefers light or dark beer is like asking whether a person prefers brown or orange food. The colour of a beer or an item of food has no relationship to its flavour, body, texture or aroma. In fact, the colour of a beer is indicative of nothing - other than colour, of course.
Beer derives its colour from three sources: the grains used to brew the beer, other flavour ingredients (fruits or spices, for example) and artificial colour additives. In fact, the dark beers offered by certain brewers are exactly the same as their golden counterparts, with brown food colouring added.
Flavour, on the other hand, while affected by many of the same factors that impact colour, is determined by many, many additional factors. Without downplaying the importance of each of these factors, one of the largest determinants of a beer's flavour that has absolutely no impact on the beer's colour is the yeast used to ferment the beer.
For a little fun, try this experiment. Go down to your favorite beer retailer and purchase a bottle of Brew Brothers Black Pilsner ( a Canadian-brewed German-style Schwarzbier ) and a bottle of Delirium Tremens ( a Belgian golden ale. ) Both are complex flavorful award-winning beers, and good representatives of their respective styles.
Dispelling a great myth about the colour and flavour of beer.
Don Tse: "Do you prefer light or dark beer?" is the response I often receive when I ask for a list of available beers at a restaurant or pub. A combination of politeness and impatience prevents me from beginning a diatribe as to why this is a meaningless question, and instead I ask for the complete list.
Asking whether a person prefers light or dark beer is like asking whether a person prefers brown or orange food. The colour of a beer or an item of food has no relationship to its flavour, body, texture or aroma. In fact, the colour of a beer is indicative of nothing - other than colour, of course.
Beer derives its colour from three sources: the grains used to brew the beer, other flavour ingredients (fruits or spices, for example) and artificial colour additives. In fact, the dark beers offered by certain brewers are exactly the same as their golden counterparts, with brown food colouring added.
Flavour, on the other hand, while affected by many of the same factors that impact colour, is determined by many, many additional factors. Without downplaying the importance of each of these factors, one of the largest determinants of a beer's flavour that has absolutely no impact on the beer's colour is the yeast used to ferment the beer.
For a little fun, try this experiment. Go down to your favorite beer retailer and purchase a bottle of Brew Brothers Black Pilsner ( a Canadian-brewed German-style Schwarzbier ) and a bottle of Delirium Tremens ( a Belgian golden ale. ) Both are complex flavorful award-winning beers, and good representatives of their respective styles.
Try the Black Pilsner first, as its much lighter body and delicate and soft flavours will be washed out if you sample the very full-bodied, sharp, alcoholic and slightly fusel flavours of Delirium Tremens first. Despite what most people expect upon mere visual inspection of these beers, Black Pilsner is less heavy and rich, while Delirium Tremens is more viscous and sharp.
Black Pilsner gets its dark colour in part, from the use of a small amount of a type of barley called black patent malt is very dark, which is the result of roasting at a very high temperature, and the use of even a small amount of it adds a substantial amount of colour to the final beer. However, the use of soft brewing water and delicate noble hops and the fermentation of the beer by a pilsner yeast results in very soft and subtle flavours. Had Brew Brothers used the exact same recipe, but fermented the beer using an ale yeast, the colour would be identical, but the flavours would be amplified, fruitier and less clean.
On the other hand, Delirium Tremens is brewed almost exclusively with pale malt, which is very light on colour because it is dried at a low temperature. A large amount of pale malt us used, along with additional brewing sugars to increase the alcohol content. The absence of any dark grains in the brewing results in its light colour, but the high alcohol content, the large amount of hops added to provide adequate balance, and the fermentation of the beer by a special Belgian ale yeast combine to create the harsh, full-bodied flavors.
So next time you're in a restaurant, you'll know not to order a dark beer and some brown food.
Used without permission from Vol 7 No 45, FFWD, Calgary's News and Entertainment Weekly. http://www.greatwest.ca/ffwd/Intro/index.html
Black Pilsner gets its dark colour in part, from the use of a small amount of a type of barley called black patent malt is very dark, which is the result of roasting at a very high temperature, and the use of even a small amount of it adds a substantial amount of colour to the final beer. However, the use of soft brewing water and delicate noble hops and the fermentation of the beer by a pilsner yeast results in very soft and subtle flavours. Had Brew Brothers used the exact same recipe, but fermented the beer using an ale yeast, the colour would be identical, but the flavours would be amplified, fruitier and less clean.
On the other hand, Delirium Tremens is brewed almost exclusively with pale malt, which is very light on colour because it is dried at a low temperature. A large amount of pale malt us used, along with additional brewing sugars to increase the alcohol content. The absence of any dark grains in the brewing results in its light colour, but the high alcohol content, the large amount of hops added to provide adequate balance, and the fermentation of the beer by a special Belgian ale yeast combine to create the harsh, full-bodied flavors.
So next time you're in a restaurant, you'll know not to order a dark beer and some brown food.
Used without permission from Vol 7 No 45, FFWD, Calgary's News and Entertainment Weekly. http://www.greatwest.ca/ffwd/Intro/index.html
Saturday, October 19, 2002
I'm going to start a new sport... Marathon City Bagging... I left Calgary at 12:30 this morning, as in 0030. I went to Toronto. It is 10:30 now, and I'm home and I've been back in Calgary for an hour! Nine hours, YYC - YYZ - YYC. Not quite as grueling as the my Hong Kong, trip last month, but pretty retarted all the same.
Wednesday, October 16, 2002
Wednesday, October 09, 2002
STAR WARS TOP TEN SEXUALLY SLANTED LINES
10. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
9. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."
8. "You've got something jammed in here real good."
7. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"
6. "Aren't you a little short for a storm trooper?"
5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
4. "Sorry about the mess..."
3. "Look at the size of that thing!"
2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
10. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
9. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
8. "But now we must eat. Come, good food, come..."
7. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."
6. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
5. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."
4. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up.
Like that, huh kid?"
3. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
2. "And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!"
1. "Control, control! You must learn control!"
RETURN OF THE JEDI
13. "What could possibly have come over Master Luke? Is it something I did?
He never expressed any unhappiness with my work." (C3PO)
12. "Hey point that thing someplace else." (Han)
11. "I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me
master. (Emperor)
10. "You're a jittery little thing, aren't you?" (Leia)
9. "I never knew I had it in me." (C3PO)
8. "Someone must've told them about my little manoeuver at the battle of
Tanaab." (Lando)
7. "There is good in him, I've felt it." (Luke)
6. "If I told you half the things I've heard about this Jabba the Hut, you'd
probably short circuit." (C3PO)
5. "I assure you, Lord Vader, my men are working as fast as they can.
(Jarjerrod) with reply "Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them."
(Darth)
4. "Grab me, Chewie. I'm slipping-- hold on. Grab it, almost.. you almost got
it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me Chewie. Chewie!" (Han)
with "A little higher, just a little higher." (Lando)
3. "Short help's better than no help at all." (Han)
2. "Hey Luke, thanks for coming after me-- now I owe you one." (Han)
1. "Back door, huh? Good idea!" (Han)
10. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
9. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."
8. "You've got something jammed in here real good."
7. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"
6. "Aren't you a little short for a storm trooper?"
5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
4. "Sorry about the mess..."
3. "Look at the size of that thing!"
2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
10. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
9. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
8. "But now we must eat. Come, good food, come..."
7. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."
6. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
5. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."
4. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up.
Like that, huh kid?"
3. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
2. "And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!"
1. "Control, control! You must learn control!"
RETURN OF THE JEDI
13. "What could possibly have come over Master Luke? Is it something I did?
He never expressed any unhappiness with my work." (C3PO)
12. "Hey point that thing someplace else." (Han)
11. "I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me
master. (Emperor)
10. "You're a jittery little thing, aren't you?" (Leia)
9. "I never knew I had it in me." (C3PO)
8. "Someone must've told them about my little manoeuver at the battle of
Tanaab." (Lando)
7. "There is good in him, I've felt it." (Luke)
6. "If I told you half the things I've heard about this Jabba the Hut, you'd
probably short circuit." (C3PO)
5. "I assure you, Lord Vader, my men are working as fast as they can.
(Jarjerrod) with reply "Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them."
(Darth)
4. "Grab me, Chewie. I'm slipping-- hold on. Grab it, almost.. you almost got
it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me Chewie. Chewie!" (Han)
with "A little higher, just a little higher." (Lando)
3. "Short help's better than no help at all." (Han)
2. "Hey Luke, thanks for coming after me-- now I owe you one." (Han)
1. "Back door, huh? Good idea!" (Han)
Tuesday, October 08, 2002
Pickin' up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream
I wonder how the old folks are tonight
Her name was Ann and I'll be damned if I recall her face
She left me not knowin' what to do
Carefree highway, let me slip away on you
Carefree highway, you seen better days
The mornin' after blues from my head down to my shoes
Carefree highway, let me slip away
Slip away on you
Turnin' back the pages to the times I love best
I wonder if she'll ever do the same
Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied
With knowin' I got no one left to blame
Carefree highway, got ta see you my old flame
Carefree highway, you seen better days
The mornin' after blues from my head down to my shoes
Carefree highway, let me slip away
Slip away on you
Searchin' through the fragments of my dream-shattered sleep
I wonder if the years have closed her mind
I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free
From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew
Carefree highway, let me slip away on you
Carefree highway, you seen better days
The mornin' after blues from my head down to my shoes
Carefree highway, let me slip away
Slip away on you
Let me slip away on you
Carefree highway, got ta see you my old flame
Carefree highway, you seen better days
The mornin' after blues from my head down to my shoes
Carefree highway, let me slip away
Slip away on you
SYLLABICATION: wan·der·lust
NOUN: A very strong or irresistible impulse to travel.
ETYMOLOGY: German : wandern, to wander (from Middle High German) + Lust, desire (from Middle High German, from Old High German; see las- in Appendix I).
I wonder how the old folks are tonight
Her name was Ann and I'll be damned if I recall her face
She left me not knowin' what to do
Carefree highway, let me slip away on you
Carefree highway, you seen better days
The mornin' after blues from my head down to my shoes
Carefree highway, let me slip away
Slip away on you
Turnin' back the pages to the times I love best
I wonder if she'll ever do the same
Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied
With knowin' I got no one left to blame
Carefree highway, got ta see you my old flame
Carefree highway, you seen better days
The mornin' after blues from my head down to my shoes
Carefree highway, let me slip away
Slip away on you
Searchin' through the fragments of my dream-shattered sleep
I wonder if the years have closed her mind
I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free
From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew
Carefree highway, let me slip away on you
Carefree highway, you seen better days
The mornin' after blues from my head down to my shoes
Carefree highway, let me slip away
Slip away on you
Let me slip away on you
Carefree highway, got ta see you my old flame
Carefree highway, you seen better days
The mornin' after blues from my head down to my shoes
Carefree highway, let me slip away
Slip away on you
SYLLABICATION: wan·der·lust
NOUN: A very strong or irresistible impulse to travel.
ETYMOLOGY: German : wandern, to wander (from Middle High German) + Lust, desire (from Middle High German, from Old High German; see las- in Appendix I).
Tuesday, October 01, 2002
I think I've posted this before, but I'll do it again. Keep in mind, I like hearing from friends. The people that send the "You are my friend" type emails, are cool. As much as I like getting a forwarded email that I know wasn't written by the person I got it from, if you want to let me know you are my friend just drop me a note and say "Hey!". I'm a guy, I don't need any more than that to know who my friends are. Peace. ( ATTN: Apple Dumpling Gang, I liked your last email, this wasnt' directed at you! )
THE BEST CHAIN LETTER EVER WRITTEN:
Hello, my name is Joe and I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show.
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000? How stupid are we? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!"
What a bunch of bullshit.
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that
was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower.
Fuck them.
If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends", and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some "omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.
I don't fucking care.
Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own
unpopularity.
The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on.
Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the ass of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.
Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your
genitals.
Have a nice day.
THE BEST CHAIN LETTER EVER WRITTEN:
Hello, my name is Joe and I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show.
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000? How stupid are we? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!"
What a bunch of bullshit.
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that
was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower.
Fuck them.
If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends", and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some "omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.
I don't fucking care.
Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own
unpopularity.
The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on.
Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the ass of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.
Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your
genitals.
Have a nice day.
It's been a week since my last confession. I would confess my sins, but what if I don't believe in sinning? Imagine there's no heaven, It's easy if you try, No hell below us, Above us only sky, Imagine all the people living for today... Imagine there's no countries, It isnt hard to do, Nothing to kill or die for, No religion too, Imagine all the people living life in peace... Imagine no possesions, I wonder if you can, No need for greed or hunger, A brotherhood of man, Imagine all the people Sharing all the world... You may say Im a dreamer, but Im not the only one, I hope some day you'll join us, And the world will live as one.
It's still relavent today don't you think. I've been mad most of the time lately. I'm not sure why. I think I'm starting to wrinkle my face because of it. That just made it worse.
It's still relavent today don't you think. I've been mad most of the time lately. I'm not sure why. I think I'm starting to wrinkle my face because of it. That just made it worse.
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