A bit of Shit history:
People use to think that shit was flat, but imaginative minds looked at their turds and said "Shit!. Its oblong!" So explorers went sailing looking for a quick route to get to the other side so as to trade shit with other countries. Norseman went looking for a place to shit and stopped on a big chunk of ice which they originally named "Steamy Brownland" but later changed it to Greenland for marketing purposes. European explorers were looking for a place to shit and ended up in the Caribbean islands. The islanders picked up their shit and smoked it. More and more people who did not like the shit where they were, ended up here, seeking a place to shit in freedom. The American natives said "How!" and the pilgrims squatted and said "Like this!" The Indian laughed at the pilgrim and ran away. The white man drew borders around their piles of shit and elected shitbaggers, who could talk and shit at the same time, to tell them how to shit. Soon, what was talk and what was shit became lost on everyone. Soon African peoples began to show up and were forced to make shit for the white toilet paper maker. There was a great shit war between brothers whose beliefs on how to make and control shit differed from each other. The northern shitters beat the crap out of the southern shitters and burned down their outhouses. The great leader from the north freed the Africans from forced shit. but they still lived in shit for many years because some thought their shit was genetically inferior. A lot of white people began to move west to mine for shit. The Indians said, "Shit" and the white man shit all over them. yada yada yada Then came the Reconstruction Era...a whole lot of shit went down. Too much shit for one roll of paper.
What is shit?
Allot of Americans prefer to shit as their forefathers did. Allot of us are decendants from hard working immigrants who brought their own shit and together we all made some really good shit. Some people are bringing in new shit and we can't even tell if its really shit or not. We prefer them to shit like us so as to fit in a little better. Some people are now throwing their shit at each other and its getting really nasty. Some people are sneaking in so they can shit for free. Some people get elected to office by offering shit to people who already have a lot of shit or to people that don't deserve any shit. Meanwhile, the shit workers continue to be shit on. Supposedly, the shit is suppose to be spread around somewhat. Others say that the shit is supposed to trickle down but by the time it gets to the bottom, it's sometimes too runny to be of any use. Our government takes too much out of the shit we earn and give it to people who are severely constipated or too lazy to shit for themselves. If you have too much shit, the government will take it from you. Some people are in shit because they stole shit from other peoples shit 401K savings. The government likes to regulate shit so that they can control its quality or price. The government pays some people not to shit. The government gives some people shit stamps to buy toilet paper but secretly buy cigarettes instead. Some people want everyone in the world to shit alike..this is called Globalshitation. Some people have nice toilets to shit in...others shit outside (or come over to your house and shit in their pants until you give them a toilet) Some people like to smoke shit and want it legalized. Some people get addicted to shit and will kill you for it. You can buy tickets to win a whole bunch of shit. Most every home as at least 2 or 3 boxes at home on which you can sit and watch nothing but shit..even digitized! "Reality Shitting" has become a popular thing on the shitbox. Contests to see who can eat the most goat shit are common. "Date Shitting" is another show where one sex picks out a partner based how lovely their shit is. "Meet the Shit" is a show where the parents of a spoiled shit would like to kick the shit out of the contestants. "American Shit" is contest to see who is the best shitter in the land. What we really learn is that most people really struggle to shit something worthwhile. Some people want to kill people in other lands because they don't like their shit but are apt to suffer a pre-emptive shit attack in the very near future. Some people like to chain theirselves to shit because their pile is in danger of drying up. Scientists are working on a way to clone shit...as if we don't already have enough. Some people drive shit that use to belong to someone else while other drive huge piles of shit that you have to use a ladder to jump into. Sometimes, popular singers will shit before many people at a championship football game..but everyone can tell they are only farting because their grunts are seriously out of sync. There is some terrible bad shits coming out of the radio. I like the classic shit best. More and more people are carrying around "cell toilets" so they can shit in the car or the grocery store aisle and show everyone how important their shit is. It is rumored that these "cell toilets" may cause colon cancer. If you bad mouth my pile of shit, I will sue you for outrageous amounts of shit. Under every pile of shit is a lawyer.
Now let us go and shit..where no man has shit before.
www.shitclub.net
Saturday, March 29, 2003
I left my home in Norfolk Virginia
California on my mind
I straddled that Greyhound
And rode into Raleigh
And on across Caroline
We had motor trouble that turn into a struggle
Halfway across Alabam'
And that hound broke down and left us all stranded
In downtown Birmingham
Right away I brought me a through train ticket
Ridin' across Mississippi clean
And I was on that midnight flyer out of Birmingham
Smoking into New Orleans
Somebody help me get out of Louisiana
Just to help me get to Houston Town
There are people there who care a little about me
And they won't let the poor boy down
Sure as you're born brought me a silk suit
Put luggage in my hand
And I woke up high over Alberquerque
On a jet to the promised land
Working on a T-bone steak a la carte
Flying over to the golden state
Ah when the pilot told us in thirteen minutes
He would set us at the terminal gate
Swing low chariot come down easy
Taxi to the terminal zone
Cut your engines and cool your wings
And let me make it to the telephone
Los Angeles give me Norfolk Virginia
Tidewater four ten o nine
Tell the folks back home this is the promised land calling
And the poor boy is on the line
Working on a T-bone steak a la carte
Flying over to the golden state
Ah when the pilot told us in thirteen minutes
He would set us at the terminal gate
Swing low chariot come down easy
Taxi to the terminal zone
Cut your engines and cool your wings
And let me make it to the telephone
Los Angeles give me Norfolk Virginia
Tidewater four ten o nine
Tell the folks back home this is the promised land calling
And the poor boy is on the line
California on my mind
I straddled that Greyhound
And rode into Raleigh
And on across Caroline
We had motor trouble that turn into a struggle
Halfway across Alabam'
And that hound broke down and left us all stranded
In downtown Birmingham
Right away I brought me a through train ticket
Ridin' across Mississippi clean
And I was on that midnight flyer out of Birmingham
Smoking into New Orleans
Somebody help me get out of Louisiana
Just to help me get to Houston Town
There are people there who care a little about me
And they won't let the poor boy down
Sure as you're born brought me a silk suit
Put luggage in my hand
And I woke up high over Alberquerque
On a jet to the promised land
Working on a T-bone steak a la carte
Flying over to the golden state
Ah when the pilot told us in thirteen minutes
He would set us at the terminal gate
Swing low chariot come down easy
Taxi to the terminal zone
Cut your engines and cool your wings
And let me make it to the telephone
Los Angeles give me Norfolk Virginia
Tidewater four ten o nine
Tell the folks back home this is the promised land calling
And the poor boy is on the line
Working on a T-bone steak a la carte
Flying over to the golden state
Ah when the pilot told us in thirteen minutes
He would set us at the terminal gate
Swing low chariot come down easy
Taxi to the terminal zone
Cut your engines and cool your wings
And let me make it to the telephone
Los Angeles give me Norfolk Virginia
Tidewater four ten o nine
Tell the folks back home this is the promised land calling
And the poor boy is on the line
Monday, March 17, 2003
Air Canada and West Jet decided to engage in a dragonboat race.
Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.
On the big day they felt ready. West Jet won by a mile. Afterward, the Air Canada team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action. The consultant's finding: The West Jet team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the Air Canada team had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm (Proudfoot) concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the Air Canada team.
So as race day neared the following year, the Air Canada team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: Four steering managers, four area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive. The next year West Jet won by two miles. Humiliated, Air Canada laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
Fucking Air Canada. Fucking West Jet. They both killed Canadi>n, the best airline this coutnry has ever seen. Canadi>n always had awsome dragonboat teams, because they volunteered.
Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.
On the big day they felt ready. West Jet won by a mile. Afterward, the Air Canada team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action. The consultant's finding: The West Jet team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the Air Canada team had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm (Proudfoot) concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the Air Canada team.
So as race day neared the following year, the Air Canada team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: Four steering managers, four area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive. The next year West Jet won by two miles. Humiliated, Air Canada laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
Fucking Air Canada. Fucking West Jet. They both killed Canadi>n, the best airline this coutnry has ever seen. Canadi>n always had awsome dragonboat teams, because they volunteered.
Friday, March 14, 2003
Courtesy of Rick Mercer from This Hour Has 22 Minutes, CBC Television:
On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.
I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but, it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.
I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own.
I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense, I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, better than yours.
I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.
I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.
I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you wanna have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.
And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way, which is really a thinly-veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this cuz we've seen what you do to the countries you get upset with.
Thank you.
On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.
I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but, it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.
I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own.
I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense, I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, better than yours.
I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.
I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.
I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you wanna have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.
And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way, which is really a thinly-veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this cuz we've seen what you do to the countries you get upset with.
Thank you.
Saturday, March 08, 2003
Saturday, March 01, 2003
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