Life at work is like a tree full of monkeys,
All on different limbs at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes. - Anon

A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say 'How to Build a Boat.' - Steve Wright

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up. - Jack Handey

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like fries with that?' - Jay Leno

If some girl tried to beat me up, I'd be like 'HEY! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen, and bake me some pie!' - Cartman

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. - Groucho Marx